This past week Astray hit #1 Best Seller in Christian Fantasy, Religious Science Fiction and Fantasy, and Children’s Christian. I emailed my clan (subscribers) to share the amazing news. Astray had dropped in two of the categories by then. But after the email went out, Astray soared back up to the top in all three categories (my clan is really not encouraging me to keep my emails to them to a minimum. LOL)!
Since I decided to write full time, I’ve received so much encouragement, hit milestones, and keep seeing fruit from my efforts. So why do I rise and fall on a whim, rising when I hit #1 Best Seller or someone encourages me and falling when I’m left to myself and my own self-doubts?
This entire writing journey has been a leap of faith. Last summer, I left the best job I ever had at my church to write full time. I prayed over that decision for at least a year before finally taking the leap.
Once the decision was made, I didn’t question it. But I had my doubts about me and my writing. From what I understand, most writers are like this. We second guess ourselves every step of the way. God keeps putting people in my path to encourage me. He is so patient to confirm my decision over and over. So why do I continuously fall into discontentment? Why do I keep doubting myself?
Then again…I probably should second guess myself. I am a flawed human after all. But I should never second guess God. If He put me on this path, and I believe He did. He will see me through.
Right?
Yes! And He is! He’s been holding my hand all along, yet I keep teetering about as if He weren’t there. Oh ye of little faith!
“Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him. “You have so little faith,” Jesus said. “Why did you doubt me?” – Matthew 14:31
“But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do.” – James 1:6-8
Oh man. Ouch! I don’t want to doubt God. I don’t want to be double-minded or unstable.
But why must I be so needy!
Maybe that exactly what God wants.
Perhaps I’d grown too comfortable in my old job. Too confident in my abilities. I’ve always valued my independence and seem to think that’s what God wants for me too.
But is it?
Doesn’t He want us to grow less and less dependent on the world and more dependent on Him?
And isn’t He the source of contentment?
Perhaps God doesn’t just want me to share my faith with the world through my writing. Perhaps He wants to work in me through the process. Perhaps, rather than independence, He wants me to learn dependence…on Him.
After all…
“Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing.” – John 15:5
Apart from me…you can do nothing. Wow.
“But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.” – Isaiah 40:31
I want renewed strength. I want unshakable faith. I want to abide in Christ. I want to come alongside His plans and bear fruit. I want to be content.
“Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little.” – Philippians 4:11-12
I don’t want to go through the extreme ups and downs Paul did to learn contentment, but God knows best. Perhaps that’s what this leg of the journey is all about.
So, perhaps I need to forget about me and just keep looking up at Him, remembering what He has called me to do, and forge ahead, sharing my faith with the world through my writing despite however my flighty flesh might feel at the moment.
Maybe, I need to enjoy the fleeting #1 Best Seller status, giving all the credit to God, and allow myself to grow more and more dependent upon Him as my true source of contentment throughout the journey, between milestones. I need to 1) remember what He called me to do, 2) trust that He will see me through, and 3) keep my eyes on Him.
And…I need to remember this amazing quote from one of my heroes of the faith, Corrie Ten Boom:
“If you look at the world, you’ll be distressed. If you look within, you’ll be depressed. If you look at God you’ll be at rest.” – Corrie Ten Boom
What about you? Do you find yourself rising and falling with the ups and downs of life? Have you taken your eyes off Jesus? Look up. He’s there, waiting to see you through.
You are loved,
J F Rogers